Tips for Memphis Parents: Going Green after a Divorce
March 31, 2008 | Leave a Comment
“With children splitting their time between mom’s house and dad’s house, green parenting not only makes sense for the environment, it also helps with the pocketbook. These green parenting tips not only help save on resources, they also help pave the way to cooperative parenting after divorce.”
The Lawyers of the Ferrell Law Firm utilize the recycling services of the City of Germantown and the City of Memphis. In addition to the tips below, here are some additional resources on the web.
Green Parenting After Divorce
By Brette Sember
More and more parents are thinking about ways they can be green (act in a way that helps preserve the environment). Lots of people are buying organic, changing to compact fluorescent bulbs, driving hybrids, and taking other steps to help minimize negative effects on the earth. You might not think that the way you parent after divorce could have an impact on the environment, but in fact there are lots of things you can do to be a greener divorced parent.
No Copies
Many divorced parents make arrangements with their child’s school for each parent to receive individual copes of progress reports, conference notifications, test results, event notices and so on. If you take a look at the amount of paper you’re getting from your child’s school and then think about the fact that it’s all being duplicated to the other parent, that’s a lot of dead trees. If your school is not equipped to switch to email notifications, you can still reduce your carbon footprint. Arrange to have these papers sent to only one parent. Then, either send them along to the other parent, or scan them and email them to him so he gets them too.
Reduce Driving
I would never suggest that you reduce visitation in order to reduce miles driven - your child’s relationship with the other parent is too important. However, there are things you can do to make the transportation smarter. First, take a look at the schedule. Is your child being picked up or returned home at rush hour? If so, the parent driving is using additional gas sitting in traffic. Adjusting times to avoid rush hour can make a big difference.
Also, consider what the schedule looks like. Is your ex taking your child on Thursday evening, returning her that night and then coming and getting her again on Friday for a weekend? Why not increase the visitation to last from Thursday through Sunday (and then make a decrease somewhere else to even things out)? You and your ex can also try to make visitation transportation multi-purpose. If you need to go to the grocery store, stop there on your way back from dropping your child off instead of making a separate trip. If your child goes to ballet half an hour after returning home from visitation, why not extend visitation and have your ex drop her off there instead?
Think about Secondhand
The non-custodial parent likely has a bedroom for your child. Consider furnishing this room with secondhand items. If your child visits only every other weekend, it’s not a very good investment to buy a brand new bedroom set. Likewise, a non-custodial parent could comfortably use a secondhand stroller, high chair, bicycle and other child and baby items since they will get infrequent use.
Unplug
If your child has a TV or computer in his room, unplug it when he is with the other parent. Do the same thing for video game machines like Playstation or Wii. Don’t leave his iPod plugged in to charge the entire time he’s away either. Make sure lights and fans are off in your child’s room while he is gone.
Resolve Disputes
One of the biggest ways to preserve resources is to work with your ex to solve any problems that come up with parenting on your own. If you go to court, you generate a tremendous amount of paperwork and use a lot of resources for something you may have been able to compromise on by yourselves.
Educate Your Co-Parent
If you’re dedicated to being a green parent, talk with your co-parent. Not only can you find ways together to reduce the amount of resources you’re using, but you can also offer him some information about the benefits of organic foods for your child.
Copyright 2008. Brette McWhorter Sember is a retired family attorney and mediator and nationally known expert about divorce and parenting after divorce. She is the author of How to Parent with Your Ex
Source of post: Women’s Divorce Blog
Resources for Memphis Parents: Mayo Clinic Report on Helping Children Cope with Divorce
March 28, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Please refer to the Mayo Clinic original posting to print this article in it’s entirety.
Divorce: Helping your child cope with the breakup
Divorce is stressful — and explaining to your child why mom and dad are calling it quits is easier said than done. Consider these practical tips to ease the adjustment.
Divorce is stressful for the entire family. Your child may feel as though his or her world has turned upside down. But there’s good news. You can make your child’s adjustment to the divorce much easier simply by choosing to interact responsibly with your spouse.
How to break the news
It’s best if you and your spouse can tell your child about the divorce together. Speak honestly and simply, and skip the ugly details. You might say, “Your mom (or dad) and I have been having trouble getting along, so we think it’s best for us to live apart.”
Make sure your child understands that divorce is only between adults. Remind your child — repeatedly if necessary — that he or she did nothing to cause the divorce and that both of you love your child as much as ever.
Expect a mix of reactions
Initially, your child may be most interested in concrete things. Where will I live? Do I need to change schools? Who will take me to swimming lessons? As you work out the terms of the divorce, try to maintain your child’s routine as much as possible — or be quick to establish a new routine. Knowing what to expect will help your child feel more secure.
But soon, the reality of divorce will settle in. A younger child might respond to the stress by reverting to behavior he or she had previously outgrown, such as sucking on a pacifier or wetting the bed. A resurgence of separation anxiety may strike as well. Help your child put his or her feelings into words.
An older child might respond to the stress with a mix of emotions — anger, anxiety, grief or even relief. If your child’s anger turns inward, he or she may become depressed or withdrawn. Anger can have the opposite effect, too, causing a child to act out or develop behavior issues. Encourage your child to share his or her feelings as openly as possible.
Keep your child out of the fight
How your child adapts to the divorce is largely dependent on how you and your spouse act, especially toward each other.
- Don’t force your child to choose sides.
- Don’t use your child as a messenger or go-between.
- Don’t argue or discuss child support issues in front of your child.
- Don’t pump your child for information about the other parent.
- Don’t use your child as a pawn to hurt the other parent.
Most importantly, don’t speak badly about your spouse in front of your child. Children often identify themselves in terms of both parents. If you continually criticize the other parent, your child may begin to doubt himself or herself, too. Instead, respect your child’s relationship with the other parent.
Don’t bend the rules
It may be tempting to relax your parental rules while your child grieves over the divorce. But this will only make your child feel more insecure. Children thrive on consistency, structure and routine — even if they insist on testing the boundaries and limits. If your child shares time between two households, it’s important for the rules to be similar in both homes.
Counseling can help
You might feel so hurt or overwhelmed by your divorce that you turn to your child for comfort and direction. But that’s not your child’s role. For help sorting through your feelings, you might join a divorce support group or seek counseling through a social service agency or mental health center.
Your child may also benefit from counseling, especially if he or she feels sad or angry or develops:
- Oppositional or defiant behavior
- Changes in personality
- Academic or peer problems
- Irrational fears or compulsive behavior
- Sleep or eating problems
Put your child first
During a divorce, interacting with your spouse might be the last thing you want to do — but it’s important. Your child needs both of you. Work out custody arrangements and other details with your child’s best interests in mind. Remember that a bitter or prolonged custody battle may take a serious toll on your child’s mental health. Instead, help your child maintain a strong, loving relationship with the other parent as you work toward meeting common parenting goals. For your child, support from both parents may be the best tool for weathering the challenges of divorce.
Copyright 1998-2008
Get Real Memphis: the emotional side of divorce
March 28, 2008 | Leave a Comment
The lawyers at Ferrell Law Firm can assist, advise and advocate for you in all the legal processes of your Memphis divorce. We handle uncontested and contested matters, negotiate and settle children’s and support issues and represent non-filing parties. The lawyers at Ferrell Law Firm handle matters diligently, competently, and timely but not to the expense of your well-being. It is very important to us that your emotional well-being be handled as thoroughly as your legal needs. Please read the following excerpt. If you are contemplating divorce, in additional to securing our legal representation, make sure that your also secure financial, medical, therapeutic, and spiritual help as well.
The following is an excerpt from the book Make Any Divorce Better!
by Ed Sherman
The Real Divorce is Free
Before digging into the legal divorce, let’s look at your real divorce — how you feel right now. This is about ending one life and starting another, getting a new center of balance and making it work — spiritually, emotionally and practically.
The state of your emotions has great practical significance. In order to make sound decisions — indeed, to solve any problems — you need to be aware of your inner condition and, often, that of your spouse. You need to know how to deal with emotional issues and how not to get stuck in psychological traps.
Understanding basic things about how the real divorce works will help you in dealing with yourself, your spouse, your legal divorce and your list of practical problems.
Possibly the most real thing in your life right now is the way you feel. Nothing else is as real as your pain, fear, anger, hurt, guilt, tension, nervousness, illness, depression — whatever it is you are feeling. The practical tasks you face are also very real — how to get by financially, how to rearrange the parenting of your children, what to say to family and friends, what to do next, and so on. Your real divorce, then, presents these challenges:
- Emotional:This is about breaking (or failing to break) the bonds, patterns, dependencies, and habits that attach you to your ex-spouse — learning to let go and get beyond anger, fear, hurt, guilt, blame, and resentment. Over time, you learn about past mistakes so you don’t have to repeat them; you develop a balanced view of yourself, your ex-spouse, and your marriage; you create self-confidence and an openness to new intimate relationships.
- Physical:Our minds and bodies are not separate. Emotions — especially strong ones that are ignored, denied or repressed — are . During divorce, people tend to experience a lot of tension, nervousness, and insecurity. They get ill frequently and have accidents. This is a time when you must focus on relaxation and take extra good care of your health.
- Practical:This is about taking care of business, including your legal divorce. It’s the nuts and bolts of what to do, where to go, how to get there as you begin to build a new life for yourself. You need to create safety and security for yourself and your children; to make ends meet in a new lifestyle that produces what you need and needs no more than you can produce — in other words, living within your new level of income.
In contrast to the real divorce, the legal divorce is specifically about property, custody, support and, in high-conflict cases, keeping the peace. Whatever you go through to get it, what you end up with is a bit of paper with court orders written on it. So, what does the legal divorce accomplish for your real divorce? Surprisingly little, as you will see — it is just a subcategory of the practical real divorce.
But the legal divorce does have important symbolic value. When you file those papers, it makes an important statement to your spouse, to yourself and to the world that a decision has been made, a new identity and a new direction has been chosen. In practical terms, it forces you to deal with some of your important practical issues (property, custody and support). That’s about it for the legal divorce.
The real divorce is what your life is about and how you go about it — this is your real work in life. And, unless you decide to get counseling or go into therapy, the real divorce doesn’t cost a dime. It is, however, very costly in terms of personal effort, but here, too, you can reduce the cost by learning to avoid common traps. Going through major life changes — in other words, recreating your life — is demanding, painful, hard work, but it may be the most important work you ever do.
Copyright © 2007 Ed Sherman
Source of post: About.com : Divorce Support
A Dozen Ways Children of Divorce get caught in their Parents’ Conflict : Part 3 : Specially posted for Memphis Parents
March 28, 2008 | Leave a Comment
“Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.”
The following is the third installment of tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas. Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri. See the March 24, 2008 post below for tips 1-4 and March 26, 2008 post below for tips 5-8. Source of post: Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog
9. Child Abuse Allegations
It is becoming common for conflicting parents to express their hostilities by making unfounded allegations of child abuse. For children the consequences of these allegations are negative and far-reaching. Children are drawn into evaluations, investigations, and court testimony which greatly increase the risk of prolonged confusion, hurt, and anger.
10. Custody Fights
Some parents pursue custody fights when they know perfectly well that the real reason for the custody action is to be vindictive. Children experience custody battles between their parents as extremely stressful.
11. Child Support
Parents too often use child support by withholding it, demanding more, or making payments late when the real motivation is to perpetuate a dispute with the former spouse. In many homes children suffer directly when child support payments are not made regularly or when conflict is expressed indirectly in this way.
12. Using Noble Ideas to Hide Double Standards
A custodial parent might say “i want her to make her own decisions” when a child refused to visit the non-custodial parent but strictly enforce curfews when the same child wants to stay out late. A custodial parent might say “He has the right to his own feelings” if a child says critical things about his non-custodial parent but lecture and browbeat the same child for “talking back” at home. Children are sensitive to inconsistencies. They react to them with mistrust and cynicism
A Dozen Ways Children of Divorce get caught in their Parents’ Conflict : Part 2 : Specially posted for Memphis Parents
March 26, 2008 | Leave a Comment
“Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.”
The following is the second installment of tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas. Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri. See the March 24, 2008 post below for tips 1-4. Source of post: Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog
5. Sabotaging the Child’s Routine
When parents fail to give a child medication, fail to follow through on discipline imposed by the other parent, or bend rules on bed-time, diet, or curfews out of anger for the other parent, they are involving the child in parental conflicts. conflicted parents frequently take their children to medical professionals without consulting the other parents as a way of acting out unresolved divorce disputes. This practice places parental conflict above the child’s medical well-being.
6. Compensating for the Other Parent’s Failures
One divorced parent may view the other parent as a poor parent for being “too lenient”, “too strict”, “too involved”, or “not involved enough”. Such parents often try to compensate for the other parent’s “failures’ by being the opposite kind of parent. Children in such situations suffer by not having parents who are using a balanced approach to rearing children.
7. Making a Popularity Contest of Parenthood
A parent may try to win the affection of a child out of fear that the child favors the other parent. such parents go overboard to “be nice” or refrain from being firm with their children. Children suffer in these situations by not having the advantage of a parent who is acting in the proper role of authority figure.
8. Being an Accomplice to Whining
A parent may allow a child to complain about the other parents without helping the child see a more balanced view of the other parent. If the parents either passively accepts the complaint or fails to urge the children to take up these grievances with the other parent they subtly encourage children to use indirect communication as a way of managing conflict.
9. Child Abuse Allegations
It is becoming common for conflicting parents to express their hostilities by making unfounded allegations of child abuse. For children the consequences of these allegations are negative and far-reaching. Children are drawn into evaluations, investigations, and court testimony which greatly increase the risk of prolonged confusion, hurt, and anger.
The remaining 4 tips will appear in a future post
A Dozen Ways Children of Divorce get caught in their Parents’ Conflict : Part 1 : Specially posted for Memphis Parents
March 24, 2008 | Leave a Comment
“Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.”
The following tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas. Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri. Source of post : Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog
1. Bad Mouthing
One of the most hurtful things a divorce parent can do to a child is to criticize the child’s other parent in the child’s presence. Statements such as “Your father caused our divorce”, or “if it weren’t for your mother, we’d still be a family,” are common examples of “bad-mouthing”
2. Forcing a Child To Choose
It is harmful to pressure a child to “take sides” in a dispute between the divorced parents. Children have a right to their own thoughts and feelings about the divorce and deserve to know they will be loved by both parents regardless of the opinions and feelings they have. If parents are in conflict over custody and children are facing a decision about which home to live in outside professionals should be called upon for help.
3. Spying
A parent who asks a child questions about the other parent’s personal life is asking that child to become involved in the parents’ conflicts. Children in this situation may end up feeling they have betrayed a parent they love.
4. Making the Child the Messenger
Parents make their children do a parent’s job when they ask their children to carry messages to the other parent. Children learn indirect ways to communicate when asked to be messengers and may feel guilt over having to assume adult responsibilities for their parents’ communication
The remainder of James Robert’s list will be posted to this blog in two future articles. As Memphis Divorce Lawyers we take the time to research and repost helpful information from around the country and the world for our local clients.
10 Definitions of Divorce Terms in Memphis Tennessee
March 18, 2008 | Leave a Comment
The next few series of posts will define some of the most common terms that you will hear when going through with a Memphis divorce or in speaking with a Memphis divorce attorney.
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- Complaint - The pleading used to commence a divorce action that is filed with the court clerk.
- Petition - Same as a complaint. In Memphis courts we generally use the term petition.
- Plaintiff or Petitioner - The person who files the complaint. May be called Petitioner if a petition is used instead of a complaint.
- Defendant or Respondent - The person who the complaint is filed against. This person is usually required to answer the complaint within a certain number of days, or file a waiver to the complaint. After the complaint is field, the defendant is usually served with a copy of the complaint and a summons directing the defendant to answer the complaint.
- Summons - This is a document signed by the Court Clerk and served on the defendant. It informs the defendant that a complaint has been filed and directs the defendant to file an answer within the required time.
- Waiver of Process - In cases where the defendant does not desire to file an answer, or where the defendant agrees to the divorce, the defendant will file a waiver of process.
- Entry of Appearance - Often the defendant will include an entry of appearance with the waiver of process and the forms are sometimes combined into a single form. The entry basically provides that the defendant enters his or her appearance in the case and may consent to any entry of divorce.
- Court Clerk - Courts have clerks who handle the court papers, hearings and other matters. A complaint is filed with the Court Clerk usually in the county of residence of the parties. The clerk is the clerk of the court who handles domestic matters in Shelby County.
- Waiting Period - Tennessee has a waiting period from the time of filing the complaint before the matter may be heard or a final judgment entered. You cannot set the case for trial or present a judgment of divorce until the waiting period has expired.
- Final Judgment - The form which concludes the divorce is called a final judgment, i.e. Fianl Judgement of Divorce or Dissolution of Marriage. It is presented to the Court after all requirements to obtain the diorce have been met. In a no-fault case, the final judgment may attach and incorporate the terms of a settlement agreement or recite the provisions of a filed settlement agreement. Same as a Decree.
Facebook, MySpace, and other Online Social Networking and Your Memphis Divorce
March 17, 2008 | Leave a Comment
With the growing popularity of social networks like MySpace and Facebook, you should be aware of that this is next step up from using Internet search history, online chat logs and email when supporting grounds for divorce.
“It is probable that electronic evidence will not lead to a huge rise in divorce figures but it may certainly make a lawyer’s job easier as people are a lot less careful about what they write in emails than what they write down on paper.”
Consider this case from the UK:
In a recent case involving social networking sites a man, from Newport Pagnell, near Milton Keynes, who had been ordered by magistrates not to contact his estranged wife was jailed for 10 days when he joined Facebook and an automatic “friend request” was sent to everyone on his email contact list, including his ex-wife.”
The Internet is a public resource, and the Ferrell Law Firm stresses to all it’s clients to practice safe and responsible internet usage. Privacy settings and limited purpose usage of social netowkring will protect your identity and integrity through any important transition in life.
We suggest you read the privacy policy of any social networking site to understand your public exposure.
Here is an article from Mint.edu on How To Protect Your Privacy while social networking. Also use this information as guide for protecting your children and guiding their usage.
Source of post: Florida Divorce Law Blog post discussing UK: The Citizen posting
Memphis Family Members Provide Child Care
March 12, 2008 | Leave a Comment
“Grandparents serve as the primary caregivers for about 20 percent of the 11.3 million preschool children with employed mothers, according to data released Thursday by the Census Bureau.
Fathers provide slightly less child care than grandparents, the bureau found. About a quarter of the children under 5 spend most of their time in an organized program like a nursery school, day care or Head Start while their mothers worked.
Whether the mother works or not, relatives regularly provide some regular child care to almost half of the nation’s 19 million preschool children.”
by Tamar Lewin, N.Y. Times Link to Article
Source of post : Family Law Prof Blog
What To Do During Your Memphis Divorce Deposition
March 10, 2008 | Leave a Comment
This post is rather long. However for those of you going through a Memphis divorce deposition the information could be extremely valuable.
By law, the opposing attorney has a right to take your deposition. This means that you will be put under oath just as you would be in court, and a attorney will ask you questions relating to this case. The attorney’s questions and your answers will be taken down by a court reporter. Your attorney will also be present. No judge will be present. After the deposition, if one of the attorneys orders it, the court reporter will type the questions and answers. You, the opposing party, and the attorneys can buy copies. The original eventually may be filed with the court. If the case goes to trial and your testimony at trial differs from your deposition testimony, the deposition can be used by opposing counsel to cross-examine you. Any part of your deposition or your spouse’s deposition can be read by opposing counsel at the final hearing. Careful what you say.
Our attorneys will review your case with you before your deposition, but it is helpful for you to refresh your recollection before you meet with us. It is extremely important that you have everything in mind about the case at your deposition. Prior to your testimony, refresh your recollection by reading your notes about the case as well as the pleadings and notes provided. Do not memorize any statement you have given or anything that you are going to say in response to questions. You should simply visualize what happened and in your own words answer any question concerning it. You should prepare a list of questions or any concerns you have about responding to certain lines of inquiry and a list of questions that you want us to ask the opposition.
During your deposition, opposing counsel can ask you questions that are admissible in court under the rules of evidence. In addition, he or she can ask questions that may seem to be none of his or her business and would not be admissible in court. The legal allows any question that could Alend to relevant material. The courts allow discovery in these depositions, and you may be asked for hearsay (something you heard another person say, but about which you have no direct knowledge) and other things that will enable the other side to make further investigations of the case. Because of the broad scope of discovery, do not be surprised if I do not object to questions that seem to be out of line. If the opposing attorney asks improper questions, I will object to the question. Only if I object to the question and instruct you not to answer it should you refuse to answer the question. Please do not refuse to answer any question unless I instruct you to do so.
The rules of procedure require the court reporter to submit a typed copy of your testimony for your review so that you can make corrections. You will be asked at the end of the deposition whether you waive that right. If you waive that right, then the transcript will remain as typed. Usually I will announce whether or not you will be waiving your right to review and sign the deposition. If, however, you are in doubt, do not waive that right. When the court reporter makes the transcript available to you, you may make changes in form or substance. You should be ready to provide your reasons for making changes.
Rarely will I ask you questions during your deposition. Because I may want an opportunity to discuss your testimony with you, I may save questions for the final hearing. If, however, it is advantageous to ask some leading questions, your answers should be very brief. Don’t be disappointed if I don’t ask any questions.
If you are a witness in this case (rather than a party), you must understand that neither attorney represents you. Counsel for the parties can make suggestions to you, but they cannot instruct you. It may be advisable for you to bring your own attorney.
Why Is My Deposition Being Taken?
The opposition is taking your deposition for at least three reasons:
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They want to find out what facts you have in your actual knowledge and possession regarding the issues in the case. In other words, they are interested in what your story is now and what it is going to be at trial.
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They want to pin you down to a specific story so that you will have to tell the same story at trial.
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They may hope to catch you in a lie to show at trial that you are not a truthful person and, therefore, that your testimony should not be believed, particularly on crucial points.
Your deposition also will assist the other side in evaluating this case for settlement purposes. This is often the first and only opportunity the opposition has to see you before the case comes to trial. You should answer the questions in an honest and straightforward manner so that the opposition will be impressed with the potential impact your honest and sincere testimony will have on the judge at trial.
If the facts to which you testify at the final hearing differ from the facts you give at the deposition, the opposing counsel can use that difference to undermine or impeach the believability of your testimony at the final hearing.
How to Behave at the Deposition
Tell the truth. Almost nothing you can admit to can be as damaging as being caught in a lie. In a lawsuit, as in all other matters, honesty is the best policy. A lie may lose the case. Telling the truth means more than refraining from telling a deliberate falsehood. It requires that a witness testify accurately about what he or she knows. If you tell the truth and tell it accurately, nobody can cross you up. It is important that you not be trapped into telling something that is not true. Be straightforward in your answers. Respond to counsel’s questions in an attentive and polite manner.
Do not try to anticipate whether your response will help or hinder your case. Answer each question truthfully. Your attorney can deal with the truth effectively, but he or she will be handicapped by any other kind of answer.
Listen to each question carefully and be sure that you understand it before answering. If you do not understand the question, ask the attorney to repeat the question or rephrase it so that you understand it. When you understand the question, answer it honestly and accurately. If you don’t know the answer, say “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember.” No one can remember everything. However, you should remember the important things and must give honest and accurate answers to these questions.
Listen to the question. Do not answer until you hear the entire question.
Hear the question. If the attorney lowers his or her voice or a noise in the room prevents you from hearing every word, ask to have that particular question repeated.
Understand the question. Before you attempt to give an answer, make sure that you understand the question. You can’t possibly give a truthful and accurate answer unless you know what is being asked. If you don’t understand, ask the attorney to repeat the question. The attorney may ask the court reporter to read the question aloud. Keep a lookout for a question with a double meaning or a question that assumes you have testified to a fact when you have not. Make sure the question is exact. If you are not certain about the meaning of a word, do not be embarrassed. Ask the attorney to explain it.
Take your time. Pause after the question is asked before you answer it. Count one, two, and tap a finger on your knee under the table with each count. Give each question the thought it requires and formulate your answers carefully. Do not give a snap answer without thinking. Do not hurry. If you need a break, ask for one.
Take a break. Feel free to request a cup of coffee or tea, a cold drink of water, or whatever you need. Do not hesitate to request a recess of the proceedings if you are tired or you need to use the restroom or to make an important telephone call. If you must smoke, request a break.
Do not volunteer information. Listen carefully to each question and answer only what is asked. Do not ramble or elaborate. If opposing counsel wants an explanation, he or she must ask for one. If I want you to explain further, I will ask when it comes time for questions. What you volunteer will turn out to be harmful to you.
Don’t worry about silence. Do not be tempted to fill the silence with words. Keep quiet and wait. They may be trying to manipulate you to fill the silence with the information they want.
Repetitious questions. You may hear the same question more than once. If your original answer was accurate, stick to it even if you are challenged. Don’t let opposing counsel shake your confidence.
Speak slowly and clearly. Do not nod or shake your head in response to a question. Answer audibly. The court reporter must hear your answer in order to record it. If you point or motion, try to describe what you are pointing to or indicating. It is up to counsel to describe for the record what you are pointing to or indicating. Avoid “uhu” and “uhhu”: they are difficult to tell apart and they will be confusing when read back in court.
Beware of compound questions. Answer only one question at a time. If you are confused by a complicated or multipart question, ask to have it repeated and clarified.
Don’t look to me for assistance to answer. When you are being questioned, you must answer the question yourself. Do not watch us for some “signal” for how to answer. You may be asked to sign an authorization to allow opposing counsel to obtain medical reports or be asked to submit to an examination by a doctor of the other attorney’s choosing or to allow an inspection of papers or to furnish other information. Respond by saying that you will follow your attorney’s recommendation.
Beware of questions involving distance and time. If you estimate something, make sure that everyone understands that it is your best effort to answer the question accurately. Think clearly about distances and intervals of time. Be sure your estimates are reasonable.
If counsel insists on an estimate. If you respond to a question with an estimate, make it clear that it is only an estimate.
Do not guess. If you do not know the answer, say so.
Limit your testimony. Testify only to facts within your knowledge and do not speculate about anything, unless specifically asked to do so.
Do not exaggerate.
Give only the information that is readily available to you. If you know an answer to a question, answer it. If you do not know certain information, do not try to answer. Do not turn to your counsel and ask him or her for the information, and do not ask another witness. Do not promise to get information that you do not have at hand unless we advise you to.
Do not search for documents. Do not reach into your pocket for a social security card or other document unless your counsel requests it. The purpose of a discover deposition is to elicit the facts that you know, not to produce documents. If the opposition is interested in obtaining documents from you, there are other legal procedures through which to obtain them. Do not ask your attorney to produce anything in his or her file, because similar rules apply.
Do not joke. Humor is not apparent on a transcript and may make you look crude or cavalier about the truth. This is serious business. If you joke, you may lower your guard. Then you make a mistake and the joke is on you.
Do not chat with the opposing attorneys. Remember, the opposing counsel is your legal enemy. Do not let his or her friendly manner cause you to drop your guard. They may be using this conversation as an underhanded discovery tool.
Do not make friends. Depositions are not social occasions. If the deposition becomes friendly, beware. They are probably trying to get you to lower your guard so you will talk more freely. You do not want to talk freely.
Off-the-record statements. Frequently attorneys will make an “off-the-record statement.” That means that the court reporter does not write down what is said. Be careful, however. This can be disarming. When the deposition resumes “on the record,” the attorney can question you about something that was said off the record.
Do not attempt to outwit opposing counsel. If opposing counsel is asking improper questions or harassing you, your attorney will protect you.
Do not argue with opposing counsel. Opposing counsel has a right to question you, and if you respond with smart talk or give evasive answers, opposing counsel may jump down your throat. Don’t answer a question with a question unless the question you are asked is not clear.
Do not lose your temper. No matter how hard you are pressed, maintain your composure. Lose your temper and you may lose the case. If the other attorney gets you mad, you are easier to fight.
If asked. . . Opposing counsel may ask if you have talked to your attorney about the facts about which you are testifying. Admit it. If we came to your deposition without discussing the facts about which you are testifying, we would both be idiots. If you are a party to the lawsuit and you are asked this question, we could object because of attorney-client privilege. You are expected to have talked with your attorney. A good attorney would not let you testify without first discussing the matter with you. If asked whether the attorney told you what to say, respond, “He told me to tell the truth!”
Don’t be afraid to answer under oath. Don’t let opposing counsel unnerve you by asking whether you are willing to swear to testify. If you were there and know what happened or didn’t happen, don’t hesitate to “swear” to it. You were “sworn” to tell the truth when you began the deposition.
If I make an objection. When I make an objection, wait for me to advise you whether to answer the question.
Your appearance. Dress modestly and conservatively. Be on time.
Your manner. Treat everyone at the deposition with respect.
Maintain your composure. Try not to become upset over the length or detail of the questions. Frequently such questions will provide insight into the approach your opponent’s attorney plans to use at trial.
Correct and clarify. If your answer was wrong, correct it immediately or as soon as you realize you made an error.
Don’t box yourself in. Don’t say, “that’s the whole conversation” or “nothing else happened.” Say instead, “that’s all I recall,” or “that’s all I remember now.” It may be that after more thought or another question, you will remember something important.
Sinful words. “Always,” “all,” “never,” and “ever” are sinful words. If you use these words in your deposition testimony, the law god will punish you. There is nothing so certain in this world, that these would be the proper words to describe it with in a deposition. It will blow up in your face, embarrass you, and aggravate me.
Documents. If you are shown documents, take your time to read them carefully and thoroughly. Look at the date, the author, the signature, the addressee, and to whom copies were sent.
Depositions are not fun. On the other hand, it will not kill you. To be entirely honest, the real danger is driving to and from a deposition. A good deposition is an easy deposition and the best way to give an easy deposition is to tell the truth.
thanks to Larry Rice at Aboutdivorce.com for the information found on this page.
