*This is the fourth and final installment in a series of posts on why you shouldn’t talk bad about your spouse to your children when going through a divorce. Part 1 can be read here, Part 2 here, and Part 3 here on our Memphis, TN Divorce Blog.

Reason # 4 – It Will Make the Judge Really Angry

This is somewhat related to my last post. There is very little in the world that makes a judge angrier than one parent poisoning the children against the other parent. Making a judge angry is a really bad idea. Making your judge angry is a really, really bad idea.

Tennessee has a firm policy against talking negatively about the other spouse to the children, so much so that every divorce complaint is required by Tenn. Code Ann. § 36-4-106 to contain an injunction restraining both parties from “making disparaging remarks about the other to or in the presence of any children of the parties.” If you have filed a divorce complaint in Tennessee (or been served with a divorce complaint your spouse has filed), then you are bound by this injunction. This injunction is considered an order of the court, and violating it could land you in hot water with the judge for contempt of court. Penalties for contempt could include a monetary fine or even jail time, and both of these things have actually happened before to people who violated injunctions.  That should tell you a little bit about how serious the Tennessee legislature and court system are about this kind of thing.

Similarly, by law in Tennessee, each parent has the right to be free of unwarranted derogatory remarks made to the child by the other parent, and most divorce settlements include language to this effect. Some judges feel so strongly about this that they require the parties to strike the word “unwarranted,” so that both parties are forbidden from making any derogatory remarks about the other parent, even if they are truthful.

Also, your willingness to foster a relationship with the other parent can, and sometimes does, factor into custody decisions. This is actually a factor listed in the law to be considered. If you are interfering with that relationship, that could spell trouble for your chances of a favorable custody outcome.

The point is, judges hate it when parents drag the kids into the middle of everything.  In a legal case, the judge is in charge.  Don’t tick off the person in charge. It sounds like common sense, but some people become so angry that they don’t stop to think about their actions. Be smart!

*This is the fourth and final installment in a series written by Lori Holyfield

This is part two of a four part series that began with The First post in this series on our Memphis Divorce Blog can be found here, third post of the series here, and the fourth and the final post in the series here.

Reason # 2 Your Children Could Eventually Blame You If You Hurt Their Relationship With the Other Parent

If your spouse is a terrible person, trust me, your children will eventually figure that out on their own.  They do not need your help to discover this, and if you attempt to bend or shape their opinion of their other parent while they are young, they will resent you later for it.  If you damage their relationship with the other parent by withholding visitation or otherwise cutting off communication without justification, they will blame you for problems they experience with the other parent later on – problems that may actually be your ex-spouse’s fault.

True story: I know someone (a friend, not a client) who still blames her mother for being so hostile to her father that he stopped visiting.  The reality is that if her father was dedicated enough, nothing in heaven or earth would have prevented him from having an appropriate relationship with his daughter.  That’s a fact, and that’s fine, but that is not the reality my friend is experiencing.  To her, it is all her mother’s fault.  It has permanently damaged her relationship with her mother.  Don’t set yourself up for a situation like this in the future.

Instead, handle your children’s relationship with their other parent in a mature fashion.  Realize that regardless of what this person has put you through, this person is still your children’s other parent.  Encourage your children to develop a relationship with your ex-spouse, to visit, to communicate, and yes, to love him or her.  If your ex-spouse later proves to be unworthy of that love, your children will figure that out on their own, and they will thank you for trying.  If your ex-spouse actually does end up having a good relationship with your children, what a wonderful thing!

“But wait a minute,” you might be thinking, “that @#$%^& did such-and-such to me!  He/she should pay for that!”  You may very well want to punish your ex-spouse for his/her bad behavior.  That is a natural response, to which I have two replies.

First of all, harboring that kind of bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.  You are giving him or her rent-free real estate in your head when you could be moving on.  The more time you spend dwelling on your ex-spouse’s bad behavior, the more you are letting negativity win in your life.  Being happy in your new life is really the best “revenge.”  Live out loud, in a happy way.  You, your ex-spouse, and especially your children will all be better off for it.

Secondly, your ex-spouse may have done wrong, but if you badmouth your ex-spouse to your children, you are essentially punishing your children for your ex-spouse’s wrongdoing by damaging their relationship with your ex-spouse.  What went wrong between you and your ex-spouse is a matter between adults, and it should only have an impact on the relationship between those adults.  Your ex-spouse (in most situations, anyway) did not do anything to harm the kids.  He or she may have really hurt your feelings, but that has nothing to do with your kids.  Don’t punish your children for someone else’s mistake!

* This post was written by Lori Holyfield.

You’re getting a divorce. You have children with your spouse. You love your children, and you want them to know what a horrible, nasty person your soon-to-be ex-spouse is. Should you spill the beans? No, and this blog post series will explore at least four reasons why.

Reason #1 – Your Children Will Take It Personally

First of all, the brains of children – even teenage children – are not finished developing.  Even if children say that they understand you are criticizing your ex-spouse and not them, it’s very likely that they are internalizing at least some of your comments, if only subconsciously. They will take what you say and feel that it somehow applies to them, not just your ex-spouse. You may be saying, “it’s your dad’s fault; your dad is bad,” but what your child is usually hearing is, “it is your fault; YOU are bad.” Perhaps the words of Judge Michael Haas, a Minnesota judge who wrote a letter to Dear Abby, explain it best:

“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.

No matter what you think of the other party – or what your family thinks of the other party – these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an ‘idiot’ his father is, or what a ‘fool’ his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child that half of him is bad.

That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love! That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.

I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”

So, the next time you are frustrated, upset and want to let your children know what your spouse has done think of your children first and Just don’t do it.

This is part one of a four part series. Continue reading Part Two on our Memphis Divorce Blog here. Or you can skip ahead to Part Three in the series here, or Part Four in the series here.

*This post was written by Lori Holyfield