Tips for Memphis Parents: Be a Gracious Co-Parent
April 15, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Co-parenting can be hard. It’s not always easy to be a gracious primary residential parent, nor is it always easy to be the alternative resident either. Try to let go of the anger that led to the divorce and do your best to help foster the relationship between your child(ren) and your former spouse. The marriage is over, there was probably a lot of hurt, but the children should not be tools for revenge. Be gracious in your role.
1. Be flexible.Your ex only has the kids for short visits. If there is a hiccup in his or her schedule be gracious enough to trade weekends or meet them at a halfway point if they have a long drive. Since child support is tied to visitation days, unless there is more than a 15% change in planned days and actual days, you should just work out small changes.
2. Be proactive. Send report cards and progress reports with kids or in the mail or email. Send a school schedule and let the other parent know when the spelling bee is, and where. Often alternate residential parents feel out of the loop. It can also be difficult for you ex to get information from schools directly if the proper releases aren’t arranged. Don’t rely on your kids to inform the other parent either, it’s not their responsibility.
3. Send circus tickets with the kids. I’m not kidding. Alternative residential parents love their children too, but child support payments can make it difficult to enjoy extras with the kids. This is about the best interest of the children. If your ex has some fun too, then so be it.
4.Consult with your ex before you make plans. Many alternate residential parents show up for their weekends only to find out that the primary residential parent has already accepted an invitation for a birthday party or a sleepover for Junior. Call first. If calling, becomes shouting. Email. It’s only fair. Alternate residential parents want the children to have fun too. They just want some heads up. You’d be surprised how often they would say, ‘yes.’
5. Return phone calls. How is the alternate residential parent supposed to know that the children are in the bathtub or shower? One major complaint of alternate residential parents is that they can never get through to their kids. If the alternate residential parent is calling at the wrong time, have the children call.
6. Use litigation as a last resort. Child support late or less than it should be? Don’t let the first call be to the lawyer. Try to work out a plan to pay the arrearage. If you don’t need the money…shhhh, forget it.
Our Memphis Divorce Lawyers strive to make sure that parents understand the helpfulness of a meaningful Permanent Parenting Plan. Always remember that your child(ren) will grow up and life will change, therefore your parenting plan will always be there. But the parenting plan is not intended to be an 18 year iron static contract, you and your spouse must always keep it in mind, refer to it, and evaluate and amend as necessary. When you sign the parenting plan, you are agreeing to make a good faith effort to resolve non-financial support related parenting issues between yourselves or seeking a neutral third party to assist you. Our Memphis Divorce Lawyers can advise you throughout the process.
Maintaining custody is a privilege that not every one enjoys. It should not be a tool to abuse or take revenge on your former spouse.
Source of post: Dads Divorce and www.cordellcordell.com ©
A Dozen Ways Children of Divorce get caught in their Parents’ Conflict : Part 2 : Specially posted for Memphis Parents
March 26, 2008 | Leave a Comment
“Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.”
The following is the second installment of tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas. Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri. See the March 24, 2008 post below for tips 1-4. Source of post: Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog
5. Sabotaging the Child’s Routine
When parents fail to give a child medication, fail to follow through on discipline imposed by the other parent, or bend rules on bed-time, diet, or curfews out of anger for the other parent, they are involving the child in parental conflicts. conflicted parents frequently take their children to medical professionals without consulting the other parents as a way of acting out unresolved divorce disputes. This practice places parental conflict above the child’s medical well-being.
6. Compensating for the Other Parent’s Failures
One divorced parent may view the other parent as a poor parent for being “too lenient”, “too strict”, “too involved”, or “not involved enough”. Such parents often try to compensate for the other parent’s “failures’ by being the opposite kind of parent. Children in such situations suffer by not having parents who are using a balanced approach to rearing children.
7. Making a Popularity Contest of Parenthood
A parent may try to win the affection of a child out of fear that the child favors the other parent. such parents go overboard to “be nice” or refrain from being firm with their children. Children suffer in these situations by not having the advantage of a parent who is acting in the proper role of authority figure.
8. Being an Accomplice to Whining
A parent may allow a child to complain about the other parents without helping the child see a more balanced view of the other parent. If the parents either passively accepts the complaint or fails to urge the children to take up these grievances with the other parent they subtly encourage children to use indirect communication as a way of managing conflict.
9. Child Abuse Allegations
It is becoming common for conflicting parents to express their hostilities by making unfounded allegations of child abuse. For children the consequences of these allegations are negative and far-reaching. Children are drawn into evaluations, investigations, and court testimony which greatly increase the risk of prolonged confusion, hurt, and anger.
The remaining 4 tips will appear in a future post
A Dozen Ways Children of Divorce get caught in their Parents’ Conflict : Part 1 : Specially posted for Memphis Parents
March 24, 2008 | Leave a Comment
“Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.”
The following tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas. Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri. Source of post : Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog
1. Bad Mouthing
One of the most hurtful things a divorce parent can do to a child is to criticize the child’s other parent in the child’s presence. Statements such as “Your father caused our divorce”, or “if it weren’t for your mother, we’d still be a family,” are common examples of “bad-mouthing”
2. Forcing a Child To Choose
It is harmful to pressure a child to “take sides” in a dispute between the divorced parents. Children have a right to their own thoughts and feelings about the divorce and deserve to know they will be loved by both parents regardless of the opinions and feelings they have. If parents are in conflict over custody and children are facing a decision about which home to live in outside professionals should be called upon for help.
3. Spying
A parent who asks a child questions about the other parent’s personal life is asking that child to become involved in the parents’ conflicts. Children in this situation may end up feeling they have betrayed a parent they love.
4. Making the Child the Messenger
Parents make their children do a parent’s job when they ask their children to carry messages to the other parent. Children learn indirect ways to communicate when asked to be messengers and may feel guilt over having to assume adult responsibilities for their parents’ communication
The remainder of James Robert’s list will be posted to this blog in two future articles. As Memphis Divorce Lawyers we take the time to research and repost helpful information from around the country and the world for our local clients.
10 Definitions of Divorce Terms in Memphis Tennessee
March 18, 2008 | Leave a Comment
The next few series of posts will define some of the most common terms that you will hear when going through with a Memphis divorce or in speaking with a Memphis divorce attorney.
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- Complaint - The pleading used to commence a divorce action that is filed with the court clerk.
- Petition - Same as a complaint. In Memphis courts we generally use the term petition.
- Plaintiff or Petitioner - The person who files the complaint. May be called Petitioner if a petition is used instead of a complaint.
- Defendant or Respondent - The person who the complaint is filed against. This person is usually required to answer the complaint within a certain number of days, or file a waiver to the complaint. After the complaint is field, the defendant is usually served with a copy of the complaint and a summons directing the defendant to answer the complaint.
- Summons - This is a document signed by the Court Clerk and served on the defendant. It informs the defendant that a complaint has been filed and directs the defendant to file an answer within the required time.
- Waiver of Process - In cases where the defendant does not desire to file an answer, or where the defendant agrees to the divorce, the defendant will file a waiver of process.
- Entry of Appearance - Often the defendant will include an entry of appearance with the waiver of process and the forms are sometimes combined into a single form. The entry basically provides that the defendant enters his or her appearance in the case and may consent to any entry of divorce.
- Court Clerk - Courts have clerks who handle the court papers, hearings and other matters. A complaint is filed with the Court Clerk usually in the county of residence of the parties. The clerk is the clerk of the court who handles domestic matters in Shelby County.
- Waiting Period - Tennessee has a waiting period from the time of filing the complaint before the matter may be heard or a final judgment entered. You cannot set the case for trial or present a judgment of divorce until the waiting period has expired.
- Final Judgment - The form which concludes the divorce is called a final judgment, i.e. Fianl Judgement of Divorce or Dissolution of Marriage. It is presented to the Court after all requirements to obtain the diorce have been met. In a no-fault case, the final judgment may attach and incorporate the terms of a settlement agreement or recite the provisions of a filed settlement agreement. Same as a Decree.
10 Tips for Dividing Your Property During Divorce
February 23, 2008 | Leave a Comment
by Roderic Duncan, Judge
Here are some ways to divide property fairly during a divorce.
For most couples, splitting up your possessions is a big part of the process of getting divorced. Either you and your spouse sit down and decide together who gets what — or a judge will have to divide what is called your “marital property” or your “community property.” If possible, of course, it’s best to do the dividing yourselves.
The most important advice I can give you on this subject is to be open and honest in setting out everything of value you have come to own during your marriage. That includes revealing that you still have a little bank account you stuck away secretly five years ago when the two of you were thinking about splitting up. Items such as these tend to surface sooner or later, and the penalties for hiding something of value can be devastating.
- Dividing Up Property Yourselves
If you and your spouse are going to try to divide your property yourselves, here are some steps to get you started. - List your belongings. Working together, make a list of all of the items that you own jointly and need to be divided. Of course, you can omit items both of you agree are personal things of insignificant value. And, for example, when dealing with furniture that is not of great value, you can just specify “furniture in master bedroom,” “dining room furniture,” and so on.
- Value the property. Try to agree on the value of anything worth more than a specific agreed amount — say $100 or $500. If there is a house, a business, or anything that is difficult to value, get an opinion about that from some agreed outside authority. For example, for your house, pick a realtor who is familiar with your neighborhood. Or, for antiques, you can hire a professional appraiser. You may need an actuary to value a pension and an accountant to help you value an investment. If there is a mortgage or other debt associated with any item, be sure to subtract the amount of the debt from its value so that you list its net value.
- Decide the logical owner. Now go through your main list, item by item, and decide whether there is some good reason to have each piece of property go to one or the other of you. Start with the items with the biggest value and see how far you can get. If having an equal split is important to you, keep track of the total value each person accumulates. Later, trade off on the smaller items, with each of you taking one in turn.
- Get the judge’s approval. If you and your spouse can agree on dividing the property you own together, the court will normally approve whatever agreement you have reached. The only exception is when a party who doesn’t have a lawyer seems to have agreed to take a lot less than half of the property. In that case, the judge may want to ask a few questions to be sure that one of you isn’t taking advantage of the other. But don’t count on this intervention in every case.
5 Additional Techniques
If it becomes difficult to proceed as suggested above, it may be helpful to try a few additional methods.
- Coin flip I. Flip a coin and have the winner divide up all the items. Do not break up sets of things, such as dishes and tables with matching chairs. The loser of the coin flip then chooses which list he or she will take; the remaining list belongs to the listmaker.
- Coin flip II. Flip a coin and have the winner place a monetary value on each item on a list of items to be divided. The other person then chooses the items he or she wants, up to one-half of the total value of all the items on the list. The person who won the flip is awarded what remains.
This method can also be used for one item at a time: The first person places a value on an item, such as the car, and the other person either takes it at that value, or it goes to the first person at that value.
- Hold a sale. Hold a garage sale, then divide the proceeds equally.
- Entertain bids. On items of substantial value — a house, a business, an expensive car — have each spouse submit a sealed bid; when the bids are opened, the highest bidder gets the item. For example, if you have an expensive antique and one of you bids $8,000 and the other $9,000 on it, the higher bidder gets the item at its listed value. An equalizing payment is made at the end of the process.
- Auction it off. Hold a real auction with a neutral person acting as auctioneer and the two spouses being the only bidders allowed. Any increased bids should be a minimum percentage, such as 5%, over the last bid. Otherwise, the parties might be able to force the proceedings to go on into the night as they raised one another a dollar at a time.
Top 10 Things to Do if You Are Going to Get a Memphis Divorce
February 14, 2008 | Leave a Comment
There is no substitute for planning, and planning for your divorce can make the process go smother, lower your lawyers fees, and help ensure you emerge on the other end of the case ready to move forward, and with the least amount of emotional and financial damage. We put together the following “Top 10 list” for those considering divorce.
- Consider your other options: While not appropriate in every case, consider if you really want to be divorced. If not, talk to a marriage counselor or other professional who can explore saving your marriage. If the process works, great! If the process does not work, you can at least get help discovering what went wrong, how to cope, and how best to move on.
- Consult with and retain a family law attorney: Clients often make strategic mistakes prior to filing. For example, moving out of the family home, even briefly, can impact a custody and parenting time case. We blogged about the difference between consulting a lawyer and retaining a lawyer before. Make sure you at least consult so you know your rights, and how to avoid shooting yourself in the foot.
- Copy documents: Your case will be smoother and your fees lower if you have a copy of all essential documents to provide to your lawyer. Obtain copies of pay stubs, tax returns, retirement account statements, bank statements, car and boat titles, real estate documents, insurance polices, etc. If you or your spouse uses financial software to track expenses, save a copy of the file.
- Inventory your personal property: Go room to room and make a list of major items of value. You do not need to inventory every muffin tin, but you may end up out of the house for a period of months while the case progresses, and you may forget what is there.
- Get a copy of your credit reports: Getting a credit report is very useful in identifying debt, accounts, and what accounts are open and closed. Pull a copy of your report from each of the three credit bureaus or a tri-merge report and your lawyer will thank you.
- Establish your own credit and source of funds: If you do not have credit in your own name, apply for them and get several. You will need to establish your own separate credit history, and do not want to be in the position of having your access to funds cut off. If there is a joint cash account, consider splitting it and transferring ½ to a separate account in your sole name.
- Keep the kids out of it: Getting ready for a divorce can take lots of time and energy. Make sure the kids don’t suffer any more than necessary by making them the first priority. Do not put them in the middle. Do not argue in front of them. Do not badmouth your spouse in front of the kids. Keep their routines as normal as you can. Stay connected (or get connected) to their activities at school and after school. Courts take a dim view parents that put kids in the middle of the conflict. Just don’t do it.
- Know your finances: Make sure you know what you make and are capable of making, what your spouse makes and is capable of making, and where the money goes each month. What are the credit cards? How much is owed? Where are the retirement accounts? Can you earn enough in your current job or will you need your spouse to support you for a period of time? If your job involves travel, will you need a different job without travel if you don’t have a spouse to watch the kids while you are gone? The more you know about the finances the easier it will be to communicate with your lawyer. Knowing the finances and having a plan helps put you in the best position after the divorce is over.
- Manage debt: This could be the worst time to increase your debt level. Unless your lawyer tells you otherwise, don’t make major purchases. Don’t go on shopping sprees. Some lawyers advise their clients to contact joint creditors and have accounts closed, or limits reduced to prevent the accumulation of new debt during the divorce.
- Take care of yourself: Divorce can be a very stressful experience. Take care of yourself, even before anyone files. Work out. Find a support group, either through your friends or a formal divorce support group. Consider getting counseling. Many clients choose to get into counseling to help with the process, and report back that it was helpful.
Thanks go out to divorce lawyer Sean Stephens on compiling this list. His original posting can be found here.
How to Make Shared Custody Work in Your Memphis Divorce
February 14, 2008 | Leave a Comment
It takes hard work, rules and schedules to make shared custody work when it comes to a Memphis divorce where children are involved. Just because you will be getting a divorce doesn’t mean you won’t have to deal with your former spouse anymore. But with dedication to making sure that the best interest of your children is always the number one priority shared custody can and does work. Just don’t expect it to be easy.
Steps to Making Shared Custody Work in your Memphis Divorce:
1. Realize that although you and your partner can no longer function as a couple you must continue to function as parents together. Put aside your anger and hurt, and resolve to work together for the good of your child.
2. Expect to have disagreements. After all, you did split up for a reason. When you disagree, try not to do so in front of your child, and try to find a way to compromise. It is too late to hope to change each other. You need to learn to focus on your child together.
3. Talk to the other parent. You and your ex-spouse must find a way to communicate with each other if you are to parent together. If you cannot communicate, you cannot parent effectively as a team.
4. Bite your tongue. Learn not to pursue every argument that comes up. Think of shared custody as a job you must get done. You can’t accomplish your work if you spend all your time arguing.
5. Make a list of rules to follow as parenting partners. For example, no arguing in front of the child, be polite to each other, be considerate of the other person when possible and, most importantly, put your child first.
6. Form some ground rules about things such as bedtime, how much television is allowed, when homework must be done, etc., and follow them in both houses. Having two sets of rules is too confusing for children. Have some rules for yourselves, as well, such as who will wash the child’s clothes, where school and sports equipment will be kept, who will buy clothes, etc.
7. Set up a schedule, and follow it. Sit down with a calendar, and decide where the child will be each day. Write it down, and make sure you both keep a copy. Make a schedule that will be easy to remember and easy to follow. You don’t want it to be different each week.
8. Be flexible. Realize that things are going to come up and changes will have to be made to the schedule to accommodate you, your child and the other parent. The more relaxed and cooperative you both are about this, the easier it will be.
9. Plan out a procedure for requesting schedule changes. For example, all nonemergency changes must be requested at least 24 hours in advance.
10. Consider your child’s feelings. Many children feel strongly about wanting to have one home base, and experts often say that it is best if a child has one place to call home. Do everything you can to make your child feel comfortable.
11. Work around your child’s activities. Don’t make your child miss soccer practice because it is the other parent’s afternoon. Keeping your child involved in activities will help to normalize the situation for him or her.
12. Get help if you need it. It can be helpful to work with a mediator to resolve schedule disputes. It can also be helpful to see a couple’s therapist for help in learning to work together as co-parents.
Tips:
Don’t expect shared custody to go smoothly in the beginning. All of you will have to learn to adjust to it. Be patient with the situation.
If after a while the situation is not working, talk to your attorney about getting the custody situation changed.
Feel good about yourself. By having shared custody you are giving your child access to both parents. Although it may be difficult, it is one of the best things you can do for your child.
Warnings:
If your ex-spouse is or has been abusive, you should rethink shared custody. Keeping your child safe takes precedence over all else.
If you suspect your child has been mistreated by the other parent, you need to contact the police and the local child protective agency.
Special thanks to divorce and family lawyer Grant Griffiths for this post. His original post can be found here.
